I Pick Me

I sit here thinking to myself about life often. Is this what the big mysterious thing everyone wished so hard for, the thing that we wanted to come so fast? I just don’t understand what the big hoot was or what the anticipation was leading up to. I can remember wishing so hard to be out in this big ol’ world, being free of all the obligations that was put on my shoulders and living a life that I wanted to live for just me. Sadly, I never did that. Looking back on my life I did everything for someone else or to fill a void that was burned into me so deep that made me believe that I couldn’t live this life on my own. I chased after dreams that weren’t mine and I sometimes still feel like I’m still just picking up after everyone in my life. People don’t want my nose is the business, yet they always run to me with any new news. I’ve loved being the person that everyone ran to but now I just wish that someone else would apply for the job. I never got the job description of the day to day steps that I would be in charge of, instead I didn’t ask questions and I just stood taller, with a smile on my face, and open arms because I knew one day I too would need that, but when my time came no one was around to pull me up, give me the answers, or even help me get to the next level.

            The world never tells you what being the bigger person really means or the obstacles that will always be placed around you like some ninja war course that you never prepared yourself for.  It’s an exhausting job that at times I just want to let go of and honestly run away from. I’m tired of always being happy yet struggling alone, I’m weary of picking up after people that never what to pick up after me, I’m worn out of fixing everyone’s problems but never having the answers of how to fix my own. I’m played out of getting over my shit, instead of healing through it, I’m drained of the maturity that I must model while other prance around in their little kid costumes thinking they know better than the next. I’m played out of all the games and rules that no one else seems to oblige by. I’m just pooped, yet I can’t seem to stop allowing all the things that continue to bother me not. I’m lost in a life with no map to guide me back home. I ran out of gas, and I can’t seem to find where the nearest gas station is to fill me back up. Saying this just makes me sick yet the responsibility of it all has been so heavy that I’m creating craters in the road that I’m trying to walk on. I just want to be free of it all and have all the worries float away. Why does something that bothers me so much, make me so sad that I can’t handle it anymore. I guess it’s not that I want this or that I don’t, I just want everyone else to also hold the weight that I’ve carried for so long.

             Is it a bad thing that I sometimes wish all these things would just go away like I’m living some dream that I will one day wake up from? I don’t want to share my true worries with the people around me because honestly, I feel like I will just let everyone else around me down. Yet, in reality, I’m letting myself down in the process.  I’m stuck in a cycle so hard that it hurts that I’m starting to break it. I’ve let go of so many people in my life already, yet I still feel like something is holding me down. I’ve exhausted myself for so long that now my body doesn’t know how to feel now that what I feared for so long has happened. I just keep asking myself why no one else can understand where I’m at or take the job I’ve been doing for so long to just do that task for me. I know deep down it will never happen, I know that I probably will never get back the family I worked so hard to please, because that’s all they wanted from me and now that I can’t live up to this picture everyone painted of me, they just threw me away like a piece of trash crumbled up with no benefits to gain from. I know that I will always take more responsibility than everyone else around me because stepping up is to hard or too much of an inconvenience that no one else is willing to do. I know that finding myself again is going to be the hardest task that I’ve ever been given, which is ironic because how in the hell do, I not already know this, but I want too honestly so bad. 

            I don’t know where to start or how long this process will take but I’ve told myself that learning to love myself is a good start. I don’t have to be that painted picture or a story that someone else wrote for me. I’m allowed to make mistakes and even hit rock bottom with my emotions, to feel numb and empty for as long as I need, to recharge from the overload that I forced myself through. Honestly, I don’t care who it makes uncomfortable, because I’m uncomfortable and no one seems to care about that. I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m lonely, I’m scared, but mixing it all together seems like too much for me to bare so I guess the main feeling I am having is numb. I don’t know what to feel about all this that is spiraling through my mind. All I know is that I will get there, that’s a promise to myself, something I deserve to find out for myself one day no matter who’s around to see it.