Happy Halloween Strugglers
Happy Halloween
Halloween is a holiday that many people celebrate year-round. Supposedly Halloween was based on the ancient feast called All Hallows’ Eve. It is the one night of the year that the ghouls and goons can come back from the dead, but only for that night. It’s the one day that all of us as humans come together scary, nerdy, beautiful, sexy, mystical, and uncommon yet we all walk through the same streets together not judging each other because we are all different. Crazy to think that it took a holiday to show us that it’s okay that we are different, however we all deserve the same thing. Now yes that thing may be candy but could you imagine what the world would feel like if it wasn’t just candy or if we truly never had to let go?
Halloween being just a holiday has created so many different opportunities for us as individuals to grow and learn. First off, it taught us how to truly get along and not judge anyone for being different. Through the streets on Halloween night all you see are kiddo, teens, and even adults all dressed up in “make believe” (some options are true to the believer) characters like, Witches and Warlocks, Fairies and Princesses, Trolls and Goblins, Werewolf and Vampires, Murders and Cartoon Characters, Goofy and Nerdy, etc. and we are all walking amongst each other as one all receiving the same thing. It’s crazy to think that out of the 365 days each year we are forced to live through with hatred, huge opinions about each other, talking behind backs or even to our faces, harming each other with words and actions, and always stepping on each other to get the better prize, yet 1 day a year we see the glimpse of how life could be if we just stopped worrying, judging, and hating each other. The even wilder part is that a lot of us count down to this day to allow our true selves to shine through because it’s the one time that no one will comment on it. Doesn’t that just sound sickening? Why do we judge, is it because we are deep down jealous of what that other person has or what they are capable of? It is because no matter how long we live in this world we are always trying to top the next person to be better or make more money, have better clothes or having your hair a perfect way? What is perfect to us because that one simple word can mean so many different things to all of us. As I walk through my life, through this world, hearing the wild trauma, living through the experiences, I just can’t find one definition to express such a powerful word. PERFECT? We all long to live in a world where we can just get along and not have to worry about what could happen or what we should be doing, and Halloween is that for us. It’s a dirty little secret that we all love hearing about. I mean hell even the people that believe in the Devil (According to them it’s his holiday) still celebrate Halloween, because we enjoy seeing the smiles on our faces as we walk around door to door saying trick or treat collecting all of the goodies from candy, little toys, and even a tooth brush, to fast dinners like ramen, and even a drink to top it off. And it all from strangers typically. It blows my mind to think that we are all raised to know Stranger Danger, yet those same people that taught us that are walking us up and down different neighbor hoods to see what all we can get. Isn’t that kind of magical? And it shows that we as humans are capable of so much more yet to selfish, greedy, and egotistical to do so.
Secondly Halloween reminds us that it is okay to let go. Let go of the fear, letting go of the worry that you might be judged, letting go of the scary things that happen every day, and yes letting go of the people. Letting go of our loved ones can be a hard thing to swallow, but it’s something that we all must do. It’s the part of life that we all know is coming yet we fear when it’s happening. It’s something that we dread to come yet know it’s that time. But does it really feel like that to the ones that have gone? Now think about this, “Gone People” don’t even have to be dead. We let go of people all the time sometimes for little things and others for bigger, but we know we need to. It’s something that we all know we need to grow and its something that comes with the life we were given. Letting go of my mother was a big difference compared to letting go of my brother. My mother is currently alive, is she well now that’s for a different story but she’s alive. I never thought that the day would come that I felt so done with someone until it did. I was tired of putting her on a higher pedestal then she could even think about putting me on, and I got to the point where I struggled hard trying to find the reasons on why she couldn’t do that for me. I mean in my career path I know that there are people that just aren’t meant to be parents, yet I just thought that eventually it would change. I created so many excuses for her actions that I too started believing them so deeply that it just made it harder to create more for her. Growing up into this unaccepted title of an adult I’ve had the rudest awaking of how my life progressed and my eyes were opened to all the insanity that was swirling around us as kids. It allowed me the space to clear my mind of everyone else’s opinions, lies, and stories, so that I could finally start putting the pieces of my life story together. I can honestly say that it’s been a hailstorm and my mental health started to get worse the more information that I was taking in. I spiraled out of control with my emotions not knowing which way was up and which way was down, I still sometimes have my moments but now I put myself on a higher pedestal. I refuse to be pushed around emotionally and mentally by someone that could care less if I was around or not until she felt lonely. My own mother told me that she sees me more as friend than her daughter. At first you see that statement as a special bond but now remembering those words repeatedly and seeing the actions she puts behind it I see it as an unconnected statement. It just doesn’t make sense to me but in all honesty, I think that maybe it never was supposed to make sense. Do you think that this world really sets us up for thing that are supposed to create our true paths? Because to me I just don’t know what the purpose was of having to always know the answer or to always know how to fix other people besides myself. I think a lot of the time that the career path I took was because I was meant to fix other people because that all I knew but now I am starting to think that’s not what my purpose is and if so, why wasn’t I taught how to do the same for myself? Ill never know. But like I said losing my mother was my choice and I’ve let her go a few times in life because it’s just too much to take on, but losing my brother was different.
My brother passed away on December 30th, 2019, due to a fentanyl overdose. I’m not going to sugar coat it because that is what happened; however, it was devastating to everyone in their own ways, which is also for a different story. I remember getting the phone call the next morning while I was getting ready for work, the words “I’m so sorry honey but your brother is dead” rustled through the phone. I felt my chest caving in deeper and deeper as she continued to talk to me, I felt my self being pulled to the floor and all I could think about was how was I going to tell my dad. After calling my wife to tell her what happened and that she needed to come home I did call my dad and I knew my phone call destroyed him. My brother and I didn’t have the best relationship growing up to be quite frank, it was a weird relationship, but I was always there for him no matter what the phone call was, mostly just to buy him pizza but I ordered the damn thing just to know that he was eating a hot meal that night. Based on the life that my brother grew up living I wasn’t surprised that he decided to partake in the drug world again, however I did think that he was going to do differently this time as he had so many hopes and dreams, he was working towards. With me saying that, I do know that addiction is something that stays with us forever it isn’t something we get rid of, it’s something that we learn to control, which sucks but that how this world was set up anyways. We are all addicted to something in life rather that is sleep, food, drugs, alcohol, sex, adrenal, prescribed medicines, caffeine, gambling, cosmetic surgeries, tattoos, tanning, etc., however it’s the “scarier” or (How dare you) ones that people only think about, and yes, my brother suffered with addiction. Sadly, his demons, the curiosity, the want to escape, took over him for the last time which is numbing to even think about to this day. Even though I know there is nothing I could have done to make him put it down or even second guess his choice I find myself often thinking about the what ifs that could be happening today if I could or did do something. Me losing my brother hit differently as it was someone that was taken from me rather than me letting them go, but I still whole heartly believe that we must let them go. Rather you believe in Heaven or Hell, Afterlife or Reincarnation, Souls, or even just the end, we all know that death is part of our life. It’s the part of your stories that reads the last page of “The End”. We were never meant to be here forever and mind-blowing enough who would what to be living in this world forever? I know I wouldn’t, but I do know that it’s a hard feeling to absorb knowing that you didn’t get that last talk, that last hug, that last goodbye, but that feeling never gets easier even if you do. I loved my brother, even with our rocky story, I regret a lot of things that he missed out on and that he failed to see through, but I had to learn and accept that it is okay to let him go and live in whatever peace he could be in now.
Point of the two stories is to show that no matter which way you let go of those individuals in your life it is okay because it does help you be the you that you are needing to be. I’m a firm believer that “Everything Happens for A Reason” it makes us who we are today and without those experiences we would be different people emotionally, mentally, and even physically, that is just how the cookie crumbles. No matter the struggles it gives you there is a light at the end of your tunnel just waiting for you to walk out. Halloween is the holiday that reminds us about that. It shows us that even though we let go we can always manifest those great things that came from that relationship, but also knowing that the same relationship has fallen. Now the more in-depth that connection could go would depend on your own beliefs and opportunities, however to some All Hallows Eve could be that for them. Celebrating Halloween will always be something my family and I will partake in each year, no matter how old we get, or our kiddo gets, because it can mean so much more than just dressing up and getting candy. It shows us a life that we as humans are so capable of doing, we are just too scared to be that every day and having to hold ourselves to a high standard to make those scarifies and keeping our self-accountable that no matter what, we are all the same, we were just all raised differently.
Happy Halloween to all my strugglers out there and remember stop judging, love more, create your memories no matter how small, and start letting go.
-Struggles