Sometimes we feel alone in this big world!

Hello my lonely strugglers,

Have you ever thought that your life isn’t what you expected? That the sorrow or experiences that you lived through was supposed to shape you into a dynamite person and/or force you to shoot for higher stars, better goals, and the happiest future that you can give yourself. Do you think that with these said experiences that it was our responsibility to grow from them, get to higher grounds by yourself, or even build a brighter future for your self alone. Going through my life I have felt alone most of it, rather I was surrounded by a crowd of people or not I always felt deep down that I was on my own. That it was my fault that I experienced so many lows and that it was my job to overcome these struggles by myself. I believed for a long time that no one was going to be able to lift me up, that people only stuck around to see what I could offer, and that it was my job and my job only to pick up my pieces and keep pushing no matter what. The crazy thing is that I did do that, for as long as I can remember. I didn’t build tight connections with others because I always told myself that they were temporary, I kept myself super busy so that I could blame only myself for me not ever having free time, but secretly I enjoyed it and knew that if I just stayed busy no one could let me down. I did this for so long and I thought that this was the only way to push away my struggles, that if I became this awesome person, I wouldn’t ever have to face the reality of what shaped me and sadly I believed it.

I was able to strive for the best me that I thought I wanted to be, I built up a career for myself that I also believed that I wanted so bad for myself. I told myself that I needed to have great things behind my name to show the world that I could make it, that I deserved to be on top, that I didn’t have this crazy life I was trying to run away from. It was like my dirty little secret that I was ashamed of people witnessing or hearing about, and I refused to let it hold me back or keep me in the darkness. I didn’t believe that therapy would help me, I could just do it myself. I didn’t need to let people in to know about what was going on in my head or my life because most people just wouldn’t understand, or they would act like it was some competition that I didn’t want to be in. I didn’t want to burden someone else with my life or struggles because I always believed that everyone else had their own shit to deal with. I pushed my feelings down, my trauma aside, and my worries away so that I too didn’t have to deal with it. It was something that I wasn’t able to stop but it was something that I could run away from or keep as a secret. As I ran further and further any from these things, I thought that I could finally do this thing we call life without ever having to face the negative things in my life. I ran away for so long that these things just didn’t seem to matter, I felt like maybe just maybe I was finally in the clear that I slowly forgot about them. As the years went by, I was seeing what a brilliant life I was shaping for myself until my path led me back to the constant chaos forcing all the old things to start swarming back in my life like a tsunami drowning the person, I worked so hard to become.  I didn’t let people know how these things affected me and honestly for a long time I didn’t think that they did. I truly didn’t believe that these things had such a huge hold on me or that they would eventually pop up out of nowhere forcing me to finally deal with them.

The last few years I have felt as if I have been just trying to stay afloat from the water that seems to just keep coming in to pull me down more and more. The world just keeps showing me that I can’t run away from my trauma, I can’t just keep pushing it down, and that the saying “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” was just a hostage situation that I built up for myself. Being in my emotions has been a lot lately, I often find myself just wanting to shut down. I just want to be able to live again but in my state of mind I will either overthink everything or I can just be numb. I like to think that I enjoyed my life, but when I think about it, I don’t find much that I feel acceptable for. I love the little family that I built for myself, but as I look back through my life, I find more and more thing I’m not happy about. The constant events in my life just create more and more uncertainty in the life that I continue to live. I find myself enjoying just staying home more often to be in my own safety and comfort, I guess I just think that the world is too much to bear right now. I don’t know what to think or how to properly do life. I don’t want to continue to do things that end up setting me back in the future, or having to stand up for my own values, beliefs, or boundaries. I want to be on top, the best that I have always strived for, and I honestly use to think that I was doing that. I was always given the harder opportunities to test myself morals, my values, or my priorities, but I felt like I could overcome them, shape them into the person I thought I wanted to be and allow it to push me rather than pull me down. But as the sorrow swarms back in it makes me question many things that I was or am. Do I even want to be the person I tried so hard to be? Do I want to build a career trying to help others get on the right path when that’s what I’ve done my whole life? Thinking about all the progress I thought I was making for myself makes me now think that it was a cover up that I was secretly hiding behind instead of experiencing life without expectations that I didn’t even set for myself. I created a life for myself that I thought was the right way, but is there a right way to deal with something so heavy? Is there a better way to face your struggles rather than growing into a person that you thought you wanted to be just because it was different then the person that broke you? I wanted to be the complete opposite, of the life that I lived that I pushed myself into being someone that I truly am not. I allowed the demons to control me in different demotions of my life and I was too oblivious to even realize that all I was doing was just running. The funny thing is that I hate running, it’s not a fun task for someone like me, sprinting in different directions always having to stop and catch my breath and honestly this body just was not built for that, but maybe I disliked the task so much because I’ve been doing it my whole life.

In the last year I have decided and accepted that I can no longer run from my past and that my future isn’t going to change if I continue to allow the ones that destroyed it to continue to act and do the same things. I’ve got myself into therapy and even though I still have a hard time within my emotions I just keep telling myself that one day I will be better. The hardest thing to accept for myself is that I don’t have to do this life alone and that its okay to be down, stuck in the moment, because through all the running I never gave myself the time to rest and heal. I’ve been in a constant fight or flight mode and my body is just exhausted having to deal with the old and the constant new. The best thing I have been able to learn thus far is that my boundaries are mine to create, it is up to me to uphold them and no matter who it is that continues to step on them it’s my duty, my choice, and my privilege to remove them so that I can be the best healed version of myself.  Even when the task is hard, and oh boy is it, or if you feel like you owe something to these people just remind yourself that you owe it to yourself more. One thing I have learned through all of this is that you are responsible for you, it’s your job to get you where you are wanting to be, and if you can’t give that promise to yourself why would you expect someone else to? I have also learned that I don’t have to heal alone, I don’t have to struggle alone, and that at the end of the day I am not the only one having troubles trying to figure out life or the only one that needs someone to lean on. It’s okay to be broken, vulnerable, and open to people and yes, it’s hard to reprogram yourself to believe that cause I’m still trying to. However, what I do know is that I wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t lean, if I wasn’t given the opportunity to just live and relax, or if I wasn’t magically enchanted to heal. It is hard every day, and when I have my setbacks it seems a little harder, my emotions are out of whack and right now not feeling seems more safe for me, but I know I have that safe spot to break down when I need to, I just need to learn how to open back up and know that the people I pushed out of my life was to help me grow not to punish myself. It was their choice to continue through their life the way that they feel is acceptable and it was my choice to put myself as a priority. Even the good choices for us can seem unbearable but the bigger picture is you no matter what. I know that I’m not alone in my struggles and that there are people out there trying to figure it all out like me. I know that I’m not 100% where I want to be and that is okay, it’s okay to sit back, allow myself to rest, but I can’t stay here forever. So, if you feel like you can relate even a little bit just know that one day it will get better, know that you don’t have to do it all alone, but be cautious of who and what you keep around you. I know I’m not in a best spot to give advice, but I do want to leave you with this, life wasn’t ever meant to be easy or something that has a right way. It’s something that people have fought for, for so long to figure out, we build up our own beliefs, conspiracies, views, morals, and proof to justify why it’s okay to do or be such an such, but with that knowledge the best thing we can do is grow ourselves into the masterpiece that you are proud enough to sell because at the end of our life we all just die, what is left behind is the path that we created for others to look back on. Don’t worry what the next person says or if you think you haven’t reached your timeline on time, we are all a scrapbook building up slowly, you can either tuck it away or show it to the world either way someone will always have something to say or think they can do better, but we all have different paths to follow in this world and there is no timeline, we are here to shape a world for the better and we can’t do that if we aren’t the best version of ourselves. So, open up more, lean on your people, and be okay with yourself even if you’re not 100% okay at this moment, you will get there.

Much Love,

            Struggles