What is love?
Love
What is love?………… Damn, what a question. This is something that I have asked myself for so long. I sit here and think about how love can mean so many different things to people. Love can be shown in so many ways, heard in many different tones, but how do I know that I can tell myself that I found love. You know true love, the love that makes every breath you take worth it, rather that love is coming for someone else or yourself. I used to believe that I found love and maybe I did at that point in time but the love I’ve tend to experience doesn’t last forever. When it came to love there was always a stipulation, a benefit, a positive outcome for the other person. However, when they were done receiving whatever it was that they were looking for they took that love away without any remorse.
I’ve experienced many forms of love from friends to lovers, parents to kids, or even likes and dislikes. I learned very quickly that no love is the same as the next, something is always different. Growing up I believed that love was making the other person happy, but in the end, I was always the one that ended up at the bottom of the river. Although my experiences turned out like mud slides, I always kept looking. Now I’m a hopeless romantic, I love love. When it comes to all relationships, I always try my best to show up for them anyway possible. I show love through not only my words but also my actions. Now listen, I’m not saying that you must be out in the world exerting yourself to do this. I’m saying by doing the little things, like cleaning the house because you know your partner has worked all day. Writing a good morning text, a kiss on the forehand, a flirtatious interaction, or planning an at home date, these things, the little things have the most power.
After all my heart breaks I always felt like I was unlovable, like without that individual I was nothing. I was so dependent on those around me to provide my happiness and acceptance that when they left, I felt like I couldn’t physically function while knowing damn well that I was the reason the boat was still afloat despite the number of holes that continued to appear. So, I gave up on trying to find it, honestly, I just didn’t think it was in the cards for me. Eventually, love always became a letdown for me, something I craved yet couldn’t have. I didn’t know where life was going to take me, I just knew that I was done chasing a dream that continued to be so far out of reach for me. I started “working” on myself, and let go of the thought that love, pure love was out there for me. I’m the type of person that loves hard, I’ll bend over backwards for those in my life, but for some reason I couldn’t do that for myself.
Although I believe you should get what you give in this life, I always found myself sticking around for the love I “thought” I deserved no matter the danger level that came along with it. Despite how bad it got I never ran away from it, I just learned how to except it. I know that I am not the only person that has done this, but the question is why do we do this? Why is it we stay in a situation where we feel as if we are these less than creatures that do not deserve the best? Is it from our trauma or just our beliefs? Honestly, I’m not sure but after my last heart break I decided that I was ready to give up on the whole love thing all together. I was ready to finally learn how to put that love towards myself rather than hunting for it within someone else.
I want to be the person that I can depend on, I mean if no one else could do it why punish myself and take it away completely? So, I did just that. Months went by as I grew into the individual that started to be happy with the life that I was living. I was able to start believing that happiness comes from me, not other person and my worth has always been there rather they saw it or not. I knew what I wanted, what I needed to allow my heart to feel at peace again. It was nice to know that I was making my own decisions, that despite the chaos of my life there was beauty in finding bits and pieces of myself without someone there holding my hand while they guided me through the path they wanted me to take. It’s unbelievable how the world works. When you aren’t looking for the love, it tends to find you in the most vulnerable time of your life to help pull you back to your true self. I loved love, but now I accept love. It doesn’t sound as off as you may think. I still love love, but now I tell myself that love is how I need and want it to be, no matter how someone else views it. I allow myself to share the thrill through my entire body instead of just in my heart, and I refuse to let go of myself while gaining the love that found me in my time of need.
When I think of love now, I have a clear picture of what that should look like, what that should feel like, what it should be. Having another individual look not only at you but your soul is breath taking. The feeling is electrifying and warm, which is something I’ve never had the privilege to experience until now. I’ve always been told that I’m loved but this individual makes me feel the love they have for me and it’s a beautiful thing that I longed for throughout my entire life. The peace I can feel by just seeing their face, hearing their voice, feeling their touch, smelling their cologne, it’s magical to say at the least.
I’ve thought that I have loved before and maybe I did just in a different way during those times, but now. Wow! I’m sad I lived life thinking love was something else then what I have been able to experience now. I’ve always wanted to be wanted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I believe that I have found the person this crazy world wants me to experience this with and I’m loving every minute of it. We both deserve the love that we share between each other, as well as having the grasp of a craving you know you can have yet it’s to far away. So, I ask again. What is love? Is it something that you can experience through a hug of a child, through the words of “I’m proud of you” from your parents, or through an internal feeling that you are not only needed but wanted. If any of these seem like your type of love that’s perfect, but my advice is to not settle. Know your worth, know that you deserve the best love that makes you wake up every morning not because you must but because you want to.
Remember love is a powerful emotion that many people wish they had but only a few have truly found it. Rather it’s love with a significant other, your kids, friends, or even your family it’s important to reciprocate the same love that you are dishing out. Lastly, don’t give up. If love is something you think you aren’t going to find, find it within yourself. Allow yourself to get to where you are needing to be so that you can find that love, because trust me it’s out there in some form just waiting for you to reach out and grab it.
Love you all!
-Struggles.