Why is loneliness a thing in this world? Is it good for us?

Loneliness

Have you ever sat alone in a crowed, room yet, still felt like you were the only one there. Like a hand was wrapped around your heart and instead of holding it safe from the craziness it slow held on tighter and tighter? Having the feeling that one of these days might be your breaking point but not knowing exactly when that day is going to appear or if it ever will? Have you ever been scared of your thoughts or yourself as a whole because you don’t want to be or do the things that you know you are capable of doing?

Some nights I sit alone in the silence of my home and listen to the stillness that slowly wraps around me. I drown in the exhausting thoughts that I struggle with daily. When will they stop? When will my head feel calmness is this crazy world, we are forced to wake up in everyday our lives. Living the same day by day routine as if we are not supposed to question the expectation of falling into our “Proper” position. As the days go my mind is too busy with the thoughts of what is needed and expected of me to complete or follow through with however when to sun goes down my mind is given the space to roam again never knowing what direction it’s going to take me each night.

            The loneliness that I experience in this life is crippling to suffer through and I am not sure at times how I am okay with waking up each morning to just relive the same protocol we call life. The loneliness is suffocating where I must try to catch my breath as if it is running away from me with each exhale. I struggle with the knowledge that my abandonment trauma is the root of the chaos that grasps around my heart as if life is slowly squeezing my soul into a powder dust that blows away at the end of my story. Loneliness never seemed like a big deal growing up in the mess of a family I had because I wasn’t given the space or privilege to deal with the world around me because I had to handle to everyday home life that I was forced to live through day by day.

            My heart aches when the loneliness appears and at times, I don’t know how long the feeling is going to last. I used to deal with the draining feeling with a soft pour of coldness down my throat as I drank away the sorrow that was unbearable to live with. The drinking became my easy escape for reality that was always at arm’s reach. I didn’t see the problem I was creating while trying to run away from the first problem. I never really know when the loneliness is too much for me to handle since I have always just had to figure it out. Deal with my struggles alone in the darkness while everyone else is flashing the lights trying to guide me into the direction that they are needing me to go towards.

            Now-a-days I still struggle quite often with the loneliness that I am sometimes forced to be in. I find myself trying to stay busy or keeping my mind occupied with a show, a task, or even both. However even through my coping skills I struggle a lot when the loneliness creeps up into my life. I hate that feeling of emptiness or the thought of having to deal with in alone. To be honest I think I am more scared of the thoughts my head is capable of having then the fear of them actually happening. I know that they can be dangerous at times but the fear of them never stopping is what drowns me the most. Being my own company is something that I am not use to but hopefully one day I become just as friendly and appreciative of myself as I do for those that take the loneliness away with their presents. Rather they know it or not, they are one of the coping skills I still struggle with letting go of. Struggles are real, I just try to remind myself to take it one moment at a time. Sometimes that is all we can handle is a moment.

Remember you don’t have to struggle alone,

Your Friend -Struggles